Parenting Anxious kids
Small Changes Parents Can Make to Stop the Anxiety Spiral
About Anxiety
Worry is our brain’s way of keeping us safe in uncertain situations that we interpret as dangerous. Worry is a necessary part of life that we all have and need. As Lynn Lyons explains in her book “Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents,” helpful worry develops into harmful anxiety when we doubt our ability to discern between true emergencies and typical uncertainty. This is because, when we can’t tell what’s a threat and what is not, anxiety takes the wheel and starts treating everything like a threat, “just to be safe.” Anxiety is a bossy captain that demands certainty and comfort. The problem, however, is that we all inevitably run into uncertainty and discomfort everyday. It’s part of being human! When anxiety has the wheel, it sees daily uncertainty as evidence that the world is not safe and that we need it to stay in charge. Thus, the cycle of anxiety continues and we (and our families) are left bouncing around at the back of the ship, completely beholden to the unreasonable demands of anxiety.
What I hope to suggest in this resource is not a way to eradicate anxiety (we actually need it to survive!). Rather, I hope to offer a different way of responding to it so as to stop the cycle and regain control of the wheel.
The Reassurance Trap
As mentioned above, anxiety demands certainty and comfort. Thus, when it starts talking to us or our kids, our knee-jerk instinct is to reassure: to provide content-based comfort and certainty.
Anxiety → Reassurance
“What if I pass out during the meeting?” → “I feel fine, my heart rate is good, I won’t pass out”
“Mom! What if I throw up?” → “Your color looks fine & you don’t have a fever”
These statements of reassurance really do help for a moment. The problem is, however, that the moment is often cut short by another anxious thought or our own nagging suspicion that we don’t actually know what’s going to happen. In other words, reassurance fails because (1) we can’t actually give certainty (sometimes kids do throw up) and (2) reassuring one anxious question will only give rise to another (“what if Peter throws up and gets me sick?”). When reassurance fails, it keeps us in the anxiety cycle.
A Different Way to Respond
The best way to reduce anxiety is to refuse to give it what it demands. To do this, you can (1) call out anxiety by name and (2) ride the wave of uncertainty.
Step One: Call Out Anxiety by Name
Naming anxiety exposes it and separates it from you. This immediately empowers you and/or your kids to take an observers’ perspective to what is going on, rather than an automatic back seat. For kids, naming anxiety can also normalize it, taking some of the scary mystery away from the general sense of dread or physical symptoms that anxiety evokes.
When you name anxiety, be as creative and specific as possible. What you want to do is create an anxiety character, with a whole look, personality, and voice. Some people like to give anxiety human names, like Fred, George, or Sarah, while others like sillier names, like Skippy, Buzzy, or Spinny. Whatever name you chose, seek to make naming anxiety a fun experience that empowers you or your kid with the choice to not listen to anxiety.
This would look something like:
Anxiety → Name it
“What if I pass out during the meeting?” → “Sounds like Fred talking…”
“Mom! What if I throw up?” →“Is that your voice or Spinny’s?”
Step Two: Ride the Wave of Uncertainty
Once you know anxiety’s name, you can actively choose to exit the cycle by riding the wave of uncertainty. Practically, this looks like not reassuring yourself or your kid when they ask for it.
Anxiety → Ride the Wave
“What if I pass out during the meeting?” → “I’m not sure what will happen in the meeting”
“Mom! What if I throw up?” →“Hmm that’s possible”
Of course, this will likely feel terrible to you or your kid at first, because you’re refusing to give anxiety the thing it feels it needs most. It will feel like steering the boat directly into the storm, but it’s necessary to break the cycle. In order to manage the discomfort (to “ride the wave”), do what you can to distract yourself or your kid in the moment.
Distraction techniques:
Learn the alphabet backwards
Look around the room and find the different letters in your name
Go outside
Play music
Exercise
Slowly but surely, refusing to reassure will teach your anxiety that day-to-day uncertainty is not an emergency and that anxiety can trust you to tell the difference in the future.
Putting it all together
Anxiety is a certainty-seeking cycle that is worsened by reassurance-giving. The first two steps to ending the cycle are to name anxiety and ride the wave of uncertainty. A helpful response to your own or your kid’s anxiety would look something like this:
Anxiety
“What if I pass out during the meeting?”
“Mom! What if I throw up?”
Response
“That sounds like Fred talking. He’s searching for certainty. I’m not sure what will happen in the meeting. I can distract myself for a few moments until it starts.”
“Hmm I think I hear Spinny talking. She is scared and looking for a safe answer. I don’t know what will happen in the future but let’s go listen to music so Spinny gets a little quieter.”
Sometimes these strategies, alone, aren’t enough to lastingly decrease anxiety. If you’re interested in more hands-on support, fill out this intake form to get scheduled with one of our clinicians. We’d love to help!
Resources: Lynn Lyons: Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents (2013).